by: Harley Schlanger
(As told to him by Tevye the Dairyman)
When Alexander H., my editor, asked me to cover the tariff issue for Neue Solidarität, I knew it would be nearly impossible. What a shonda, I was thinking, that our country can't even impose tariffs properly! And I'm supposed to make sense out of this mischegoss for our readers? Oy vez ist mir!!!! There was only one thing I could do: Summon my old, wise, slightly-cynical friend, Tevye the Dairyman, to share his thoughts about this with our readers.
I found Tevye surprisingly upbeat, though he still felt it necessary to launch into an angry polemic about the damage done to his dairy business by modern women and their lactose intolerance. Don't they know that my cows cannot produce lactose-free milk? Once he finished his rant, he put his arm around my shoulder, smiled, and said that my readers might find amusing what happened today when he ran into our friend, Hersch, at Art's Deli.
Here is the story he told me:
My friend Herschel and I were watching the latest adventure of President Trump unfold from our usual seats at Art's Deli. I was done with my rounds early, as no one wants to buy whole milk anymore, and Hersch had closed his shop early, because no one can afford to buy used furniture, thanks to Biden and inflation. So we met at Art's for our daily afternoon kvetching session. Art usually has the best pastrami sandwiches in town, but since the new tariffs were announced, he has no bread, and the price of tasty imported mustard has quadrupled -- if it's even available!
"What kind of deal is this?" Herschel asked incredulously, pointing his boney finger at Trump on the large tv screen over the bar. "Tevye, are you hearing this? I don't get it. Who runs a business this way?" He was agitated, because the President said he wouldn't back down on his tariffs -- since they were so necessary for peace and prosperity -- until he announced that so many countries had called him to make a deal that he decided to pause the tariffs -- which haven't really been imposed yet -- for 90 days.
I could tell Herschel was worked up. He was especially mad because he told everyone in our shtetl to vote for Trump, because he would make the country Great Again, and make us all rich. And they listened to him and voted for Trump, because, you tell me, who doesn't want to be rich? And now, look at Trump, Hersch was saying, making a fool out of me. "Who does he think he is!" His face was bright red, his voice was booming and he was waving his hands wildly. A crowd began to gather around our table.
Now I have to admit, Herschel knows something about running a business. His second-hand furniture store is the place to shop for weddings and anniversary gifts, with the finest selection in town of used beds, fancy-schmanzy light fixtures and affordable bookshelves -- though the used books cost extra, 50 cents for a meter of books. He once sold me an antique mirror for my Golde, that used to belong to the rabbi's wife; sure, it was cracked and chipped, but it was an offer, 40% mark-down, who could resist such a deal?
He was now yelling at the President on the tv screen. "What happens in 90 days? A new war somewhere? A regime change coup? Better polling numbers? And what about the stock market? Shlomo, my accountant, told me to hurry and sell my tech stocks, because they are crashing -- so I sold them yesterday, and I lost my shirt. Then today, those same stocks I sold for nothing, went up through the roof. Nu! How do the markets lose $5 trillion one day, then make it half back the next? Where did the money go? I want to know," he snorted impatiently, as if he were expecting an answer from the President!
Some in the crowd nodded in agreement. One mumbled about Shlomo being a ganif, saying he probably took the money, while the town schnorrer suggested that maybe they should go to the local bank to look for that money, since no one ever gets their money back from there. "That's the Rothschilds for you" said another, though, to be honest, no self-respecting Rothschild would ever be seen setting foot in the First Bank of Kasrilevke.
As the chattering continued, Hersch asked for quiet, as the newsman came back on and said he would now explain what's going on. "This I want to hear," Hersch said. First, the newsman showed the President speaking on Monday, when he insisted, "MY POLICIES WILL NEVER CHANGE". Then, on Tuesday, when he said, "You have to be flexible." Hersch slammed his hand on the table: "Which is it, flexible or not, how can an honest man make a living with a President like this?" Then, we watched the film from today, when Trump said "We will all soon be rich, it will be a Golden Age like never before."
And where will all these riches come from? asked Hersch. "I want to know. From China? How will it get to Kasrilevke? The trains don't run anymore." As he was waiting for an answer, one wise guy after another was interviewed on the tv screen. That big shot, Larry Summers grinned and said "This is the worst self-inflicted wound in economic policy since the end of the second world war." Next up was Larry Fink, the hot shot from BlackRock: "The economy is weakening as we speak," he said dryly. Hersch turned to me and whispered through his clenched teeth, "So why don't those putzes Summers and Fink look worried?"
Then the news flashed back to Trump. I'm trying to fix a "national emergency", he explained, "caused by Sleepy Joe and the left-wing socialists in the Democrat Party, together with the thieving globalists" I'm imposing tariffs "to end unfair trade practices." He added, reassuringly, that this is a "necessary disruption", with the smug look on his face telling everyone he is proud to be known as the "disruptor in chief." Don't worry, he concluded, "we're going to get billions and billions and billions of dollars from China."
Hersch sighed, put his head in his hands, and asked Art to bring him a beer. "Sorry," Art replied, "the Czech beer was sent to Kiev, where there are no tariffs." Hersch sighed again, then said sadly he that he hopes Trump hasn't forgotten he has to win a war against those damned Houthis and de-nuclearize Iran. Hopefully, he concluded, he won't be flexible about that.
